Dailies

I have been trying my hardest, but being sick and studying dense material has been quite difficult. My brain is foggy and I really want to just sleep it off. I gave myself that luxury on Wednesday. I have been less graceful since. My creative juices are definitely flowing though. I took some inspiration photos for a piece I want to paint. That will be my reward for when I pass my exam. I do want to get back into song writing though. Some of Writing Lines is beginning to reflect that a bit. I have a song in front of me on a napkin I am excited to publish.

5:53pm

I finally took a proper break since quitting my job.

It was really nice, and now that I am back to studying I feel even more disdain. I love a good time, sue me.

I also think I am getting sick. This slight fever is making me all loopy and I am out of my medication.

This weekend may be miserable.

7:37pm

My studying for this new job is taking a toll on me. It is definitions heavy and the language does not change much.

I am trying to hunker down today and get most of it done, but the nap won and the orange isn’t helping as much as I hoped it would.

I have been feeling a lot of solace in my feelings so far but also lots of loneliness. As I get to know new people, I remember that I need to share personal details. I feel like everyone at the bar just knew everything about me, because they sort of did. These new characters in my story do not know yet, and some old are learning more. I think part of me forgot hot to normally socialize, not just perform and tend to others.

I don’t know how to let go or at least easily switch between the two quite yet.

I live with just Peri and the loneliness doesn’t usually feel this big, at least I am capable of feeling out the sad and the angry. I even made breakfast this morning– I am trying to do all the things right. I am trying to take care of what I need and maybe I have finally made the space to feel lonely.

What a joke.

3:08pm

I spent my first day in between jobs having brunch and lazing about with a friend. Today I am shifting into gear. I want to acknowledge the love I felt from my previous job.

From my patrons.

I was given gifts and poems and treats and toys.

It feels unreal, but I have been told that I make an impact on the lives of those around me and that I bring a certain light that makes a space feel little homier.

I have an impact.

I make a space welcoming.

I will make sure to transcribe the corpse poem. Some of it was serious and some of it was quite silly but all sweet.

My plans today are mainly to work on licensing for my new job and to finish up some repairs around my apartment.

I think today’s weird will have to simmer a bit more. I don’t have time to spend all day crying. Way too busy.

10:22am

I nearly called my dog the name of my old dog. I wonder if she dreams about me too.

My feelings feel big.

I have been crying for someone this morning and I hate how foolish it all feels. I can’t subscribe to my feelings being unimportant. That’s foolish.

I feel big feelings.

I am trusting my intuition

I am betting on myself with where I am going next.

I am incredibly terrified.

4:38am

Sometimes, when I am lazy about processing my emotions I leave them at weird.

Today, that weird feels so sad. I feel sad for the people around me and for myself. I am confused. I thinking I am constantly missing and yearning for the people in my life. It feels like a perpetual loneliness- a desire to connect with others.

I miss someone a lot even when they aren’t good for me. I just want honesty from the people around me. I need a little more. If there is interest, show it. I have all my cards on the table.

Should there be more mystery?

I know some people think that may be a flaw, but from where I am standing its wide open.

I do not walls up. I do not intend on putting walls up. It hurts like this, don’t get me wrong, but not feeling is so much worse.

I feel weird about leaving my job. I know I am loved and liked. I know I need to move into a direction that will serve the life I want.

I feel weird.

It feels stressful, but I do not want to just live for other people, I need to do what is right for me.

It is weird in an exciting way because I have a vague idea of what is next. I am ready to work hard and bust my ass. I am expecting it will be hard, but I am ready to learn.

I need to be better about sitting with my emotions to process them. I feel like I am at the precipice of every single one of my emotions all the time and yet when asked I just say weird.

5:50am