Dailies

We have pivoted once again. By ‘we’ I mean me and I feel incredibly disjointed. I tried something new and it did not pan out the way I had imagined. Which is fine in grand scheme but definitely not okay in the moment. I have found a new job, that is more of the same. I have a summer job as well that should fill my cup. I do not feel like I am the one making shifts but currently rolling with the punches. I will get back into the driver’s seat.

As far as updates goes, I went to DCLX, went to a show and have been in attempting-job limbo all month.

I have found happiness even when life has been feeling awry, thank goodness.

7:15am

I have a warm cup of tea, and I feel a little lost. It’s green tea with lemon. I can smell the citrus through the warmth of the steam. It is my last week day off before starting the new job and I am sweating about it. I need to keep my confidence. I know I can do hard things. I have done hard things before. However, with bartending more money was made with tips and had a baseline pay. Sales in this case, is just commissions and I am a little nervous. I need to build this as my own business essentially. I can do that. I am personable and hard working and adaptable. I can do it.

Welcome to my pep talk.

My first meeting with my team went well and dressing professionally is also new. It feels silly to admit.

I also had an second interview for a different position that I really want, would be good at, and would be incredibly fun. I do not know to what extent it would interfere with the current job. But would it feel more secure- maybe. But, it might not make much cash, but would be fulfilling. I am not sure when the fulfilling part started to become a piece for me but it has. Before it was just make money. And now I find myself looking for both. I think money:fulfillment is 65/35 for me right now.

The Past Week from the barbie phone

8:25am

Do you believe in second chances?

I’m not sure that I do. I don’t know if I can let let this slow burn out when it was once so bright. Fire can be rekindled but does that mean it should, or is it finally time for bed?

The thought makes me want to plan a trip and go camping soon, and with the weather nice, I just might. Maybe I can take the time and the dog and just go for a little while.

I have my exam today. I will pass it, and when I do I will be starting the new chapter of my life– which could still pivot and change. I am allowing myself this morning to chill before the exam. I have been studying all week and it is now time to trust what I know and take my time.

I woke up and thought of do you believe in second chances, I don’t know what I was dreaming of, but now, typing in the dark I feel uncertain. I feel cautious. I feel as though anything can change on a dime. It makes me nervous and like I am a little out of control.

I made a coffee with bad latte art, in my mug that says ‘All is going well . Make it come true.’ I got it from my friend from college. And I’m doing my best.

7:31am

I have been trying my hardest, but being sick and studying dense material has been quite difficult. My brain is foggy and I really want to just sleep it off. I gave myself that luxury on Wednesday. I have been less graceful since. My creative juices are definitely flowing though. I took some inspiration photos for a piece I want to paint. That will be my reward for when I pass my exam. I do want to get back into song writing though. Some of Writing Lines is beginning to reflect that a bit. I have a song in front of me on a napkin I am excited to publish.

5:53pm

I finally took a proper break since quitting my job.

It was really nice, and now that I am back to studying I feel even more disdain. I love a good time, sue me.

I also think I am getting sick. This slight fever is making me all loopy and I am out of my medication.

This weekend may be miserable.

7:37pm

My studying for this new job is taking a toll on me. It is definitions heavy and the language does not change much.

I am trying to hunker down today and get most of it done, but the nap won and the orange isn’t helping as much as I hoped it would.

I have been feeling a lot of solace in my feelings so far but also lots of loneliness. As I get to know new people, I remember that I need to share personal details. I feel like everyone at the bar just knew everything about me, because they sort of did. These new characters in my story do not know yet, and some old are learning more. I think part of me forgot hot to normally socialize, not just perform and tend to others.

I don’t know how to let go or at least easily switch between the two quite yet.

I live with just Peri and the loneliness doesn’t usually feel this big, at least I am capable of feeling out the sad and the angry. I even made breakfast this morning– I am trying to do all the things right. I am trying to take care of what I need and maybe I have finally made the space to feel lonely.

What a joke.

3:08pm